ermmmm haiii blog :3. I haven't been on here in so long but I was doing school and canvas crashed and I have nothing to do at work so I'm gonna try and write even though I don't really feel like I have much going on as of late. Which is crazy. Because normally my life is in shambles and I am doing terribly. BUT... I fear I have been concerningly happy the last month.. Lets talk about it! I can't really pinpoint when exactly I started feeling so clear minded but I feel like the week after I got back from Philly I just felt so comfortable with my life and my routine that I legit had nothing to dwell on or freak out about. My theory is that I was so extremely socially drained after that trip that I just realized I am not missing out on anything that I'm necessarily craving... Like no part of me wants to be experiencing the college lifestyle right now I would be on my last leg. I think that's a weird thing I experience where I am so extremely introverted but at the same time Im super talkative... so like I just tire myself out so bad in social settings because my social battery like doesn't exist. But yeah IDK i've just been at work like everyday and doing my school and filling my time doing awesome stuff and its so so chill. Also i'm in the process of buying a car whihc is terrible. But it will be over soon and I can have a LIFE cus I can go places whenever I want!!! And I am really really excited about that!! So yeah life is awesome and good and I am very happy for the first time in a long time!!12/21/2023
RAHHHHHH. I cant believe this year is ending. This is the second time I've written this post because I accidentally just deleted the first draft. That is probably an omen that I should not focus on all the negatives I faced this year, because while i struggled immensly this year, I also had a lot of really good and awesome stuff and growth and change happen. I do still wanna highlight the fact that this was the hardest year I have gone through thus far in my life: I started dealing with debilitating anxiety for the first time in my life, having panic attacks where I genuinely felt like i could not control my body, went through a rlly horrid breakup that sent me into a spiral for like 4 months, had to leave school because my anxiety was so bad i started struggling academically, felt like i failed at life at the ripe age of 20, and have struggled with being alone and coping with my internal struggles. I think it is really important that while in this post specifically I want to highlight my growth and the good experiences i had this year, I also recognize that I had a really hard time mentally for a number of reasons, and I think it would be unauthentic to write about this year in a completely positive light, because I was hit with a number of hard changes that forced me to really reflect on the way I was living and realize that I was unhappy and needed a lot of change and growth to become the best version of myself that I can be. I had a distant friend tell me this year that after reading one of my blogs about my anxiety, she felt like she saw me more as a person that she could relate to. IDK im not trying to be all "my blog SAVES PEOPLES LIVES CUS IM SO RELATABLE" bc i dont think that is the case at all, but I do think that sharing my experiences with mental illness is something that has helped me to feel like the things that I experience aren't exclusive to me, and i don't feel so absolutely insane i guess. Anyways, that is all I have to say on that, because I think everyone is proabbly absolutely sick of hearing me talk abt wahhhh wahhhh panic attack anxiety wahhhh. lol. ok!! not really sure how to transition into the awesome stuff that did happen this year but uh yeah!! I guess the major achievment i had this year was forcing myself into therapy, thanks nick abreu i literally would probably be rotting in bed and dropped out of school if he hadn't actually talked me into seeking out therapy lol. But also so many smaller things that made this year good!! I saw sooo many concerts!! Big Thief, Samia, Florist, Tank and The Bangas, Tanukichan, Alex G, alvvays, The breeders, Field Medic, The Burning Hell, Jeffrey Lewis, Slaughter Beach Dog and prob others that I dont remember. I went to Canada twice!! I also went to Chicago, Burlington, Buffalo, Fort Worth (twice!). I stopped being vegetarian officially in January, which was so good for my body and honestly like I needed it so bad bc i was deadass malnourished. I got promoted at my job at the carousel and started a new job at the baby clothes store which I love so much. I got all A's in my classes this semester!!! im rlly proud of that one I feel like I achieved something I thought I would never be able to do again. I drove on the highway for the first time!! I got to experience love!! both platonic and romantic! I think that is such a huge accomplishment that so often people take for granted. Letting yourself love and be loved is awesome! I don't know all in all i have had a really tough year, but the support system I have in place is really what got me through it. Starting therapy was a big part of that obviously, but my friends that I have been able to turn to constantly over the last few months, who watched me sob and manically tweet and listened to me rant and supported me through it all, are what really got me to push myself into self reflection and growth. Specifically Miles and Nick and Soph who legit i want to apologize to because oh my god yall put up with me too much and I am eternally grateful to have friends who listen like yall and actually push me to become a better person. But also anyone who I have encountered this year??? I think everyone we interact with has a more profound impact on us then we really can imagine. The girls I met at a show and made me feel like a part of their group when I was there alone, my uvm friends who take the time to reach out every once and a while and made me feel like I still hold value to them. I really believe that everyone ive known this year has helped me in some way and I am so greatful for that and for the year to come and the growth and change I will continue to experience!!!!! Idk this feels very corny to write but i am also just happy to have a space where I feel like I can share my thoughts and maybe make an impact on someone elses life. that sounds so dumb bc i dont think anyone actually reads my blog except maybe a few of my insta followers but i am really happy that I started this blog this year because it is so fun to write about my feelings and such i guess. Ok I think that's all. I am working on a zine of my year that I will probably never finish but maybe I will and I will post some of it here. Here's to more growth in 2024!!??!11/05/2023
Let's talk about finding meaning! Finding meaning in the mundaness of life is really what we all strive to do, right? We learn things and through that learning we discover things about ourselves, and about others, that makes us feel like we are important in this world, like we mean more than just a bunch of cells that randomly got placed in an expansive universe in which we get to live and think and breathe- and find meaning! I think that is so cool and special and also so terrifying. I love that I get to discover new things about myself everyday that I am alive, and that i get to interact with all different types of people that impact me in ways I will never even begin to be able to explain! That is how I have discovered finding meaning in life recently. I used to think that being outside as much as possible or laying in a field was the cure to my need for answers to the world, but this year, I have really discovered that for me, I find so much meaning and significance in human connection. For so long, I surrounded myself with relationships and people who were fundamentally wrong for me, people I felt no connection to, and because of that, I felt so depressed and like I had nobody in my life that I really felt drawn to. Especially when my relationship ended, I felt so alone for the first time in a really long time, which was really hard and forced me to turn into myself and figure out what I was craving out of life, and how I could make my life as beautiful and meaningful as possible. It made me realize that I love connecting with people!!! which is awesome and chill as balls because conversations with random people used to scare me so bad and give me so much anxiety, but forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone, talk to people I would never talk to, and form deep rooted connections, is so cool to me! growing up and realizing the fight you had with your best friend in highschool that caused yall to stop talking for years was dumb! Being able to call them and talk for an hour and it's only a little awkward! Reaching out to the girl youve known for years but never hung out with! Talking to the lady who comes into your work and she ends up helping you get a dream job! it's so special to me that I get to have all of these tiny moments of life with these people, whether they are impactful or not, and for me I think that is what makes my life beautiful (at least right now). All I want is to feel like the people I surround myself with know how much they mean to me, and i think through creating that bond with others, we simultaneously create that bond with ourselves. I mean a lot to me! I am a really cool person! I love myself! I love myself just as much as i love the people i surround myself with! I am constantly growing and chaning and it is ok that the people around me are growing and changing too!10/13/2023
Its Friday the 13th!! And i'm thinking a lot about learning to fight for yourself. I literally don't know how to do this because I genuinely think my entire life i've just been trying to fight for people to want me or like me, whether that be my siblings, my friends, my parents or my ex lollll. I dont know I had an interesting conversation with my therapist today about how i have trained my brain to constantly try and maintain balance in my life between my family members, and how so much of my energy is spent trying to keep peace in a forest fire of adults who act like children with me in the middle. I don't feel like anyone thinks about how alone I feel being the only person fighting for both sides while everyone else tries to sway me in either direction and it sucks!!! and it leaches onto every relationship I have!!! Ive spent the last month fighting for someone who made it clear he doesn't want me anymore, and im done!!! for the first time in my life, im choosing to protect myself and fight for me, because at the end of the day, i have no control over the way other people act or feel, but if i can stand confident in my own being, then it becomes easier to let go of the constant need to keep everything peaceful. I want to have a place in my heart where I can love myself the way i love others, and i think there is no way to do that unless i let go. I have been feeling a feeling for the last month that i can describe only as grief, and i just read a quote that grief is really just love with nowhere to go. Ive tried putting that love into everyone, my parents, my sibling, my ex boyfriend, and nobody wants it, so im choosing to put that love into me.9/12/2023
I'm reading a book right now called "Women Rowing North," about older generations of women and the wisdom that they hold despite facing years of misogyny, ageism and loss. I got it from the library after an older librarian reccomended it to me when they didn't have the book I was looking for on womens perspectives of loss. I didn't know if I was going to enjoy it but I'm very bad at saying no to people when I am uninterested or don't want to do something, so I checked it out and started reading it. I honestly think that checking out that book was a sign or something, because so much of the advice in it I have been carrying with me this week, a week when I have felt especially vulnerable, sad and heartbroken. The most major piece of advice that I have been trying to remind myself of was on parting ways with someone that you are still in love with. The woman who wrote about this worked in human services for over 60 years, which immediately drew me in because that is my major and what I am studying to do. She started out her chapter by saying that it is a beautiful thing to be in love and the feeling should be cherised, despite being painful in the moment of separation, because the fact that we were able to access one of the most raw and beautiful emotions that humans experience is something to be celebrated. She went on to say that in her 80 years of life, she has experienced many circumstances where love didn't work out, and that it is painful, but that even though our impulse is to be sad and to return to the person we were before this relationship ever even existed and impacted our lives, it doesn't have to be that way. By numbing a person out and returning to a version of ourselves that existed before this person came into our lives, we are able to not feel our feelings and forget about the love we experienced. But why would we want to be a version of ourselves that hasn't been in some way changed by the things that happen to us? You know that corny phrase "to be loved is to be changed"? It's exactly that. If you have become a better version of yourself in a loving relationship, who says you have to lose the part of you that was changed by this person? When we love people, we idolize them in a sense and we tend to learn and pick up both tangible things (such as hobbies), and nontangible things (phrases, communication skills, etc) that we don't have to lose because of the end of a relationship. We feel like magic when we love and are loved, and we do not have to lose that feeling of magic and joy and wonder when that love itself comes to an end. The love that we are given is ours to keep, even if the person who gave it can't be physically present in our lives anymore. I don't have to mourn the loss of the feelings I had being with that person, because it will stay with me everyday that I exist. I will carry that love and that magic into my future relationships and throughout my whole life. This person changed my life in a way that I love and I get to keep that. I was able to find a version of myself that I loved in my past relationship, and I will not give that up or lose that version of me. I can always feel the love from that relationship because it is rooted within me, even if he is no longer rooted next to me. I think that is how we let love truly touch us and shape us. I have been carrying around this sentiment with me this whole week, as a small reminder that the loss of a person does not mean the loss of the love they provided. As we grow older, we experience loss more and more, and I think by practicing carrying on the things we learn from the people we love, we can live fuller lives with less regret. I don't regret the relationship because it made me into a better person, and my life is a little more celebratory because of it.
I turn 20 in a month and today i had a scary thought about something someone said to me last year. I was thinking about how it's weird that I won't be a teenager anymore and I remembered how last year my friend said to me, "do you ever feel like you missed out on your teen years because you didn't really have many friends until you graduated highschool?" At the time, i think this sentence made me cry for several hours as I mourned my younger self and how lonely she was, but as I think about it now, I really don't think I missed out on much at all. There is a weird correlation of your teenage years and fun, and people act as if the moment you turn 20 you face the horrors of the real world, but honestly I feel like i wasn't even fully concious until i was like 17. I didnt drive until the fall of my senior year, and I became isolated to my small circle of friends from my highschool, which looking back weren't my friends due to compatability, but simply because of social necessity. That sounds horrible, but when you go to a highschool with 65 kids in your class, the people you become closest with isn't necessarily a choice. When I learned to drive, i met so many people and started doing things that i was actually passionate about, going to shows and concerts and being able to express myself through clothes and expand myself creatively. I'm not a person who sneaks out and goes to parties or likes stereotypical 'teenage experience' things, but i think i experienced my teen years in a way that perfectly reflects myself. Being a teenager is about experiencing loneliness and isolation and coccooning yourself so much to the point where you have no choice but to go through a metamorphasis of sorts. Turning 20 means i get to live with myself at this new stage of my life. i have changed so much in my teen years that i get to now completely relearn myself and who i am. So to answer the question as to whether or not i feel like i missed out on my teen years: the answer is no, because I lived them. Every single moment of my teenage years i was alive and i was learning myself. And now i get to live even more! Isn't that so exciting? I get to wake up everyday and learn something new about myself. I can try new things, make new friends, and expand myself in whichever direction I want. The fun of life doesn't die when you turn 20, the fun of life is in your willingness to live.
I think being a person in your late teens and early 20s is probably one of the hardest things we do. We go through so much change and it can feel like you are starting over or you are super behind everyone around you, but i think honestly all of that is kinda bullshit. I hate that there are certain paths that we can take that are deemed correct or reasonable, and as soon as we stray from these paths people look down on you or judge you. I wish I could just live my own life the way I want without feeling like everything I am doing is wrong or like I am behind everyone else because I didn't stick to the tradionalities of our society. I think I wanted to write about this today because last year I thought I had my life entirely figured out: I knew what I wanted to do, I was in a stable relationship with someone I loved, and I was working toward things I was actually excited about. Today, i feel like all of that has sort of been thrown out the window. It feels like I am completely starting from scratch, it feels like im missing out on stuff that everyone else my age seems to have figured out, and most of all it feels like ive lost one of my best friends. It really sucks because i know that while taking risks and leaving everything you have become comfortable with behind is what you are supposed to do in order to figure out who you are, I can't help but feeling this incredible amount of loss for the path that i thought I was going to be on. I think we all crave that stability of finding what is right for us on the first try or getting everything perfect on the first shot, and its hard when you realize that if you don't make that change then everything is just going to crumble around you anyways. I am not behind anyone else because I am starting over. I am just trying to figure out what is best for me right now, not anyone else. Even if that means feeling really alone and sad, it doesn't mean my life sucks or I made the wrong decision, it just means I have to keep trying to move forward and find the correct path for myself.
Let's talk about uncomfortable stuff! I think we all carry really heavy, dark stuff that is hard and uncomfy to talk about, but i think when we open ourselves up to people and allow others to see into us and see all of our scars, loving one another becomes easier. For a lot of my childhood and young adulthood, I have felt irrevocably lonely, not even in an "i have no friends or romantic partners" way, but in a "I feel like my emotions are too complex to talk about because i fear they will scare people away from me" way. Because of this, I learned to love being by myself and I kind of isolated myself from anyone who wanted to get close to me, never telling my friends when I loved them, never being physically intimate with anyone (even hugging friends), etc. So much of this stems from my extremely isolating position in my family. I am the only one of my siblings who talks to both my mom and dad and has any type of relationship with both sides of my family. My siblings refuse to have conversations about it and refuse to even talk to eachother, so I think a lot of the time I have felt as though despite being the only one seemingly making any effort to hold relationships with everyone, it feels like i don't have significant connections with anyone. I didn't have this realization of loneliness until I got into my first relationship. I found it extremely hard to communicate, be intimate, and honestly open up about my feelings. It's just not really something I was ever expected to do in my isolated state. welcoming someone in to the space that was just for me and molding that space to fit his needs as well as mine was hard, but I got really lucky and happened to find someone that was willing to be patient with me and teach me how to be a better partner, not just romantically but platonically as well. To be a good person, we have to let people in. It's really scary when you feel like all you've ever done is teach yourself to ice everyone out because you think your feelings are too big or complex. I'm trying to relearn the idea that just because I have been misunderstood and ignored by people in my life, it doesn't mean that the deep inner parts of myself are too complex for people to comprehend. I'm trying to learn that people shouldn't have to fight to be let in, I should be more open to connecting with people, especially my closest friends who I sometimes feel know nothing about me. Talking about it all is hard! But this is a first step. ok thats all im gonna include some funny pictures maybe,
hiiiiiiii i actually forgot i had this blog oopsiesss sorry to my super loyal fans ik u guys missed me so much. I've been sooooo busy being disconnected and mysterious this summer (i deleted instagram and work all the time). i've decided i hate every aspect of my life (my job, outlook on life, hobbies, personality, body, etc) so ive been lowkey suffering but its chill cus i just sleep and then i feel better. LMAO. thats so awful i swear im normal and chill. anyways. I got this stupid fucking promotion at my stupid fucking job and they don't pay me as much as they should and i cant wait for summer to end so i can leave. Im also so excited that I dont have to move back into college bc everyones been talking about packing and that shit would have me in tears! Speaking of moving back into college!!!!!1!! drew leaves for school in a month which means #drella will be coming to a sad and unfortunate end (we have shippers and stans). we r just so mature and better than other couples and realistic i heard (ive just started getting angry at him about everything so i can feel better about our impending doom despite being absolutely in love with him). HAHA! anyways i lowkey feel like nothing in my life ever really works out in my favor and its hella! depressing! and makes it sooooo hard to have motivation and be happy n such but its chill! Also omg so my dad n stepmom like bought a house and just like didnt tell me cus they r mad i'm not staying at a 4 year college. that is so silly and funny to me hehehe. like yess ok strained relationship werk. also its my childhood friend Ryan's bday today! he overdosed and died in 2021 and it makes me really sad to think about but i think its the kind of thing that sucks and is really shitty and terrible but at the same time makes you so appreciative for things that are kind of ok in your own life and you maybe feel a little more at ease because of it. I miss him a lot and its not really something i talk about a ton but its really weird to lose people that youve known since the beginning of your life. he was like a mean older brother to me and its so weird that i will never get to mess with him again or yell at him and my brother when they would mess with me. losing people and being alone in life is lowkey my biggest fear and recently i've experienced a lot of loss that sometimes feels a little overwhelming, but at the same time makes me feel a little better. It is irrational to think that losing people means i will inevitably be alone in life. As some relationships end, others begin, and it is simply just the nature of life. It feels really terrible sometimes too when we experience loss, but the ebb and flow of it all allows us to experience regrowth even at our lowest points. you have to feel bad to feel good, you have to lose people to gain people. It makes us all more well rounded individuals, even if it is all really scary and anxiety inducing and hard. doing hard things is what makes life easier and better in the long run. ok thats my trauma dump for the month. sorry for getting emo on the TL. actually no im not. this is my blog fools! also can u guys send me ur problems so i can give u advise cussss im bored at work rn hehehe ok byeeee lol.
i'm not sure how to not be so intense. and that is a really shitty feeling. Every feeling i feel is so extreme it feels like it is the end of the world, and trying to stay calm and not feel so crappy is really difficult when it seems like everyone around you is doing perfectly fine, even if theyre going through the same motions. i expect too much, cry too much, feel too much, and simultaneously it feels like everyone around me literally feels nothing. it makes me feel like i'm just a placeholder in people's lives. I guess there's nothing i can really do about it, it just sucks to feel like there's nobody u can talk to because u fear having too many big feelings. It's hard to redirect your feelings into something else when it's so easy to isolate, but i guess being intentional with how i spend my time is important. I used to love making art and creating shit and i don't really feel like it is something im good at or passionate about, which really sucks. Now when im sad it feels like there's nothing else i could do except be sad. IT WILL GO AWAY IT WILL I"M NOT GONNA FEEL LIKE SHIT FOREVER AND IM GOING TO GET BETTER AND NOT BE SO DEPRESSED AND I WILL LOVE MY LIFE. IT'S FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE IM FINE.
HAPPY FINALS WEEEKKKK!!!!! thank god im almost done because im absolutely losing my mind. I have a final tomorrow morning at 730am and then one on friday, so I have to stay the whole week which is so evil but its fine i guess. I am so excited to move home u dont understand my bed is so cozy. and i get to go work at my funny little job and do my funny little activities and go to canada and hopefully travel a lot which is awesome. I'm mostly excited to go home because i have like 400 packages waitiing for me that I ordered while i was in a depressive episode lol!!!!!!! thats silly !!! haha. ALso im getting my haircut on Saturday. That is cool. hmmm what else. Oh! I ordered new sheets for my bed. I'm in my healing era which means im gonna start washing my sheets and such. I also have big plans to sweep and clean my room. #adulting if u will. sitting in the library rn pretending to study for my math exam because i cant do that shit rn. being a girl is so hard i literally dont wanna do this. i shouldn't have to take math its so fucked up. i have big plans to cook and clean and be a girl at home. I cant reach my full girl potential here. oh i just found a lollipop in my bag. thats a yummy treat. its mystery flavored. oh! blue raspberry. very good. my roommates and i arranged our beds into one large mega bed and now i get rlly anxious to go to sleep at night because we are all so close its so scary! i have had to take melatonin every night for the last week because i am so afraid to sleep so close to them!!!! thats funny. lol. oh i saw gabe at breakfast this morning that was silly. OH OH MY GOD i had my first period post-iud and i literally was bleeding for 2 weeks it was so awful lol. ok i think thats all the updates i have. so long.
Hi guys. today I wanna talk about moving on. I think changing things that aren't serving you is super important, especially when it comes to your own happiness. This can apply to relationships, living situations, work environments, or school. Change makes me really uncomfortable, and I've always enjoyed consistency in my life, as it wasn't really something I feel like I had growing up. As most of y'all know, I'm transferring colleges in the fall and moving back home to take online classes through my community college. I haven't really been too emotional about it because I know I will be happier and more comfortable in knowing I can actually afford the classes I am taking, but as my roommates and I have packed up our room, I've felt a lot of sadness and grief for the room that has become our little home. I met a lot of lovely people here in the last year, and as much as I love them and have loved getting to know them, I am more confident in the fact that some people are meant to be part of our lives for a small amount of time. This isn't to say that I will never see them again or they don't mean much to me, but rather that this new chapter of my life is only opening myself up to even more lovely people, and more opportunity for exploration. Life goes by really quickly, and I want to spend as much of that time exploring, meeting new people, and taking control of my own life. Life involves risks, and even if the decisions i make turn out to be wrong for me, I don't want to waste time wondering if I could have been happier, or what would have happened if I had just taken that risk. Maybe this is something I will look back on and regret, but I also know that if I spend four years in my current situation, I will hold a lot of resentment toward myself, which is never something I want to feel. I don't know what the happeiest point of my life will be, but if I spend my life in places i hate or feel uncomfortable, my happiest moment will never exist. Anyways. I'm including the going away stamp that Maddy made for me that made me absolutely sob yesterday. She's so sweet and this is gonna be my new website logo (in theory because I like the picture of me sobbing but this is literally stellatonin so). But yeah sorry for the sad post lolz I've been feeling a lot recently and that's ok!
Hello fans. I have been trapped in the realms of UMass for 3 days now, surrounded by nothing but the constant smell of beer and men. Despite this, I am once again happy to be out of the state of Vermont, and I have felt joy in my bones since separating myself from the disgustingness that is the UVM campus. 26 more days. Also thank god for gabe sopko for allowing me access to her computer so i can blog since drew hates me and wouldn't let me use his. Also thank god for gabe because he has validated my concerns about drew's slow decline in happiness and rapid increase in concerning behavior. Currently, I am watching gabe and drew play madden while i blog. theyre so boy. Yesterday we went to SLUDGEFEST and it was truly the scariest experience of my life. Also had my first frat experience it was the worst thing ever and i will never attend another one again. I go back to school tomorrow and start the countdown until move out. I NEED to be homeeeeee right now.
Happy Easter! I haven't updated my blog in a while because i got my IUD inserted on Friday and oh. my. god. that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life it was like having hundreds of needles stabbed into my cervix at once. if ur a man u should go hug every woman you know and thank them for their services. I have several pieces of media I will be including in this post, as my iud is all i have talked about for the last week and a half. Also I am still having the worst cramps of my life and it has been 3 days. I don't think i have ever taken more ibuprofen in my life and it doesn't do anything. once again, go hug all the women you know. I am really brave and strong. Also I'm supposed to randomly bleed for the next 6 months. If birth control was made for men it would be so much more advanced and not as detrimental to their bodies prob. This world just hates women i guess. Specifically Nick Abreu. He called me out for not updating my loyal followers for a week even though i have been on my death bed. Also i have to come clean about something. I have taken a lot of melatonin in the last few days to help me sleep through the pain. Relapse is a part of recovery. The gummies r just so yummy. Anyways it's easter and soph, mj and i are at a coffee shop and it is pretty warm out for the first time which is pretty mega chill. Marylou Dynan texted me a horrendous photo of drew which I will also include below. I think we are gonna go to Salmon Hole later and sit and have awesone girls girls girls time. Ok that's all byeeee.
I've layed in bed the entire day and cried a lot because i'm on my period and im really sad because sometimes its hard for me to feel secure in my relationship when i dont actually get to be with him. And obviously i think that is a natural feeling for anyone in a relationship (long distance or not), but it is hard to find ways to feel secure outside of just genuinely spending time together. I think i'm really good at taking up my own space and being independent, but oooo when i get my period that goes out the mf window. I want a hug sooo bad. I'm just really sad today and i thought it would be good for me to try and write about it to maybe be able to organize my thoughts. Honestly i think its really easy for me to get really lost in my own head and give myself anxiety about my relationships. It's something i've always done in little ways, but especially in my current relationship it's been really hard for me to tell myself that he wants to be with me and he is choosing to be with me, despite him constantly reassuring me in that fact. I don't really know why specifically in this relationship i struggle with that, maybe because i think he's my first real love, or because of my own personal insecurities that subconciously make me feel like i don't deserve this relationship, but either way its been difficult to navigate for myself and for him as well. It's obviously hard for him to feel like everything he does for me isn't enough for me to feel like he loves me, even though that isn't really the case. Honestly i think i just really didn't grow up with any healthy examples of love, and navigating it for the first time where it really means soemthing to me and is important is just scary. I'm constantly afraid of hurting him or getting caught in a relationship that is unhealthy or not benefiting either of us, which i guess is probably a good thing, but at the same time its sometimes prevents me from simply enjoying my relationship because i work myself up over things that aren't even problems. It's hard to navigate relationships in general, and when ur 19 in a long distance relationship, i think it's amplified x100. Relationships at this age are so strange because it's a weird in between of being at an age where dating is just light hearted fun and being at an age where you have to make serious decisions about your future and whether or not your relationship will benefit it. Honestly this is all coming from a period induced cry, but just in case anyone else feels similarly to how i feel, here u go girl queen! We all crazy!!!!4/1/2023-1:25
Happy April!!!!!! MJ, soph and i are all sitting at this strabgely liberal, bernie infatuated coffee shop. I didn't really think burlington could get much worse, but it was actually a little bit hard to order a coffee in there because there was so much fucking bernie sanders shit. Me personally, if i was bernie sanders, I would probably cry if i saw my face, constantly utilized in the form of drawing in certain audiences. Poor guy. Anyways, its really warm here today even though it was quite literally 20 degrees and snowed two inches yesterday. Now it is somehow like 65 degrees and everyone is out in shorts. I would also like to point out that the liberal coffee shop is across the street from the planned parent hood where i am getting my iud inserted (on good friday). That is soooo woke. Anyways, it feels nice to not be completely bundled up today, but it does not change my opinion that Burlington is one of the worst places ever prob. also, sophs parents are coming today and they got an airbnb and we broke into it before they got here. ITS SOOO NICE. I forgot what it's like to have space to move around and a full kitchen and living room. Oops i forgot to finishing typing this earlier. Its 8pm now. I just curled my hair and talked to larkin about a girl hes into. I loveeeee giving advice about girls its so silly. anyways im gonna do some math hw and maybe watch a movie byeee3/30/2023-11:31am:
Today I thought it was warm outside and i didn't wear a jacket, but upon going outside i have realized it's freezing out, and as a result i will be skipping my second class because i cannot bare to not be in my bed. I actually made it to my math class today though so that's good. I just don't think it should be this cold still it is making me homicidal. I've been trying to rely on moving forward and reminding myself that it will eventually be warm again, but it is so hard to focus on the present when I am constantly trying to look forward to something else. Like i still have to do my school work for two months. I just get frustrated because it feels like summer is so close, but at the same time it is so far away and time is moving so slowly presently. I find myself forgetting to take care of myself in this interim period of my life. There is so much to look forward to, and not much happening as i exist in real time. Obviously i started this website because I was bored and wanted somewhere where I could be funny, but I honestly think that reflecting here as though it is my own personal journal will be helpful for me to be in the present, and not so hyperfocused on my future and the months to come. Spring time has always been my least favorite time of year, but at the same time there is always something to love about things we hate.I like the unpredictableness of spring time, and how we are lucky enough to have a time of year that feels as hectic as we feel. I am lined up with the earth and that will never change, no matter how hard i try. When we lose our connection to nature, we tend to lose our own spirit, and i think spring time is a good time to regain that connection and inhand our own spirit. Yes, i am eager to finish the school year and move on to things that are better for me, but at the same time, i want to be appreciative of my last few months with my school friends, who i probably wont ever see on a consistent basis again. I deserve to be happy in the present, no matter the time of year, no matter what my future holds. The interim is only an interim if i make it one. Click below for my spring playlist. :)
Just had my therapy session and it made me realize how badly i need a therapist!!!!!! Good thing i literally cant get one here bc UVM hates their student body and mental health unless ur lit rally hospitalized. BUt yeah basically he thought i was really awesome and cool and thought i was so smart for transferring to save money which was so validating because certain people in my life have not been the kindest to me about my decision !!!!!!!!!! but yeah basically it was so nice to have someone to talk to and work through stuff with and now i feel like i need that to be a regular thing in my life because i got shit to work through!!!!! i may be just a girl but i have severe trauma!!!!! anyways i'm back in my dorm now and probably gonna rot for the rest of the day or force myself to do homework but i neeeed to shower bc i stink prob. thats ok tho. im so sleepy. im gonna insert a meme below that i really like.
I'm sitting in my spanish class right now and he's talking about drug trafficking in Colombia. Un cerveza porfavor! I have uvm therapy today at 1pm to talk about all my problems and i cant wait!!!! All i had to do to get resources from this school was get hospitalized. I can't wait to transfer out of this shitty ass school at the end of the semester. Living at home is gonna be fucking awesome and I can actually enjoy my life instead of being majorly depressed and having 0 fucking outlets because this school is shit and they don't help you when you are having problems which is so chill!!!! Now my professor is putting on a video about Pablo Escobar. That's chill. Thinking about when I had a UTI for a month and student health services wouldn't help me or answer my phone calls so I had to go to urgent care. That was awesome. I am so girlswhocode now that I have this blog. I should probably change my major to compsci.goodmorning loyal followers
today i woke up at like 7:30am and i had a really weird dream last night that it was christmas and i was trying to get to the bahamas and I bought a ticket for $87 but it was leaving in 11 minutes so the airport guy was like I'll drive u there but then he didn't take me to my gate he took me to a BOAT? and I got on and nick abreu was there but so was elizabeth nunnery and also one of MJ's friends from home I think her name is Mary idk she goes to Yale. But elizabeth and mary were like mean girls and there were no seats on the boat left so i had to stand and hold on to one of those hand holder things and it was really awkward because me and nick grabbed the same hand holdy thing and then i punched him. After that i woke up. Goodmorning.heres my day 3/28/2023
Today i slept through my math class which was really awesome because i was in my warm cozy bed so so comfy (im a girl). anyways then i watched the fiddle band at the campus center and got a sandwhich and went to my social work class where we watched a tedtalk about a guy named professor richard applebong. Unfortunate name. Then i came home and took a 6 hour nap and then woke up and decided to make a website because i was bored. also i passed so many quizzes for my psych class which is so good for me. pussy girl queen prob.